Cory wants me to write about my brother today because we just got home from our Christmas brunch at my mom's house and Stephen was in rare form. But I don't even know where to begin so instead I'll just offer you a few prime quotes:

• When inquiring about two ceramic figurines at my mom's house:
  Steve: "What's with the two Jewish kids by the TV?"
  My mom: "They're not Jewish, they're Catholic choir kids. See - they're wearing choir robes.
  Steve: Whatever, same thing, same kind of religion.


• On why it would be difficult to for someone to start at a job at his place of employment:
  "You have to start at the bottom, it's not just about stuffing down Ho-Ho's and sipping Starbucks like I do at my job.


• On reproducing:
  I don't want kids man, they're just money pits.


• On playing with his friend's one-year-old son:
  This kid's going to be a ball player and I'm going to be the drunk uncle at Little League.


• On playing with his other friend's two-and-half-year daughter:
  As soon as she's potty-trained I'm going to baby-sit her - you know, take her to the mall. It'll be a whole new angle for working chicks.