So after my whiny little post yesterday I felt kinda bad when a handful of people came up to me at the True Love and tried to show me some love (which I appreciated)...sorry to be so, you know, needy. And then, after all that, the comments function was acting kind of screwy - but I think that's fixed now and you can really and truly post a comment. In fact you could post an entire book there if you want...

Last night's Haints show was fabulous - I really enjoyed the cover of "You've Got Me Rockin'" and Kepi/Jeffrey's (Helper Monkeys) turn on "Jackie Howard" was just really amazing in this Velvet Underground-meets-the-swampy-backwoods-of-someplace-scary sort of way. Beautiful!

When I got home from the show last night I took a few minutes to go over a short story I just finished. If I get a chance to make some changes I'm going to send it out to my workshop friends over the weekend. As school starts in about three weeks, I'm trying to get some stuff together for my first class workshop submission. Getting kind of nervous about it - but, maybe not as nervous as I was this time last year as I got ready to start my first semester at Mills.

First - I think my writing has improved in the last year. If you go look at the stories in my fiction section (and really, I hope that you won't - I'm planning on taking those down soon), you'll see just how crappy I was. I'm surprised I even got into grad school - honestly. And while I'm no Jhumpa Lahiri, A.M. Homes or Amy Hempel now (I wish), I don't completely hate my stuff anymore. I have a slightly better understanding of what I want to do...now it's just trying to figure out the best ways to do it, it's figuring out how to write clearly - to know what to put in, or more importantly, what to leave out.

Of course, I could be speaking too soon - just wait until I get into the workshop ... the self-loathing will probably start up again big-time...honestly - except for the part where I'm always tired from the commute and all that homework - I wish the MFA program was four years and not two years (or, in my case, 2 1/2 years) -- because I feel as if it's going to take that long to even put a finger on the pulse of my literary voice - to understand what it is I want to be doing. I know I can do that outside of school - outside of paying massive tuition - but it does help to be in an environment with people who are trying to figure out the same thing and instructors who've been there before and can offer support and guidance.
That said, I'm really going to miss Amanda this semester. In addition to her big smile and goofball jokes and awesome shoes and those blue star tattooes, I 'm going to miss her unfailing enthusiasm and support - her never-wavering belief that all of her students would get published and enjoy the same sort of success that she did.

Sami said something very wise to me the other day as I told her about Amanda and about how, when I was in her workshop, I had these conflicting emotions of jealousy and admiration and envy. Here was this funny and smart woman who was a year younger than me and she was teaching the class and had two books to her name.
Well, said the very smart Sami, There was a reason she had to get those books published so young - she didn't have much time.

Very true.

I have no idea what this semester's workshop instructor will be like - part of me is nervous about him, part of me just remembers how quickly I got over at least most of my nervousness last fall....so here's hoping...