Dear John Cusack
I want my $24.50 back.
Last night my husband Cory and I went to see your new film "Identity"
It was, by far, the worst film that I've seen all year and that includes the Philip Hoffman Seymour yawner and even that Jack Nicholson piece of crap.
I'm sure then, that you can understand why I'm upset. Especially considering that I don't go to see many films in the theater due to both a lack of time and a lack of interesting options. Especially considering that I trust you John Cusack.
Or, rather, trusted you.
Ever since the days of your small but memorable role in Sixteen Candles and your own early starring roles in flicks like the cult fave "Better off Dead". Do you know that "I want my $2!" was one of the original film catch phrases? At least it was at Sacramento High School, circa 1985.
The Sure Thing? Dumb but fun.
Say Anything? Lloyd Dobler remains to this day my dream movie boyfriend.
The Grifters? Sexy smart film
Grosse Pointe Blank? Did you know I was obsessed with this film? I saw it three times in the theater. It was smart, sexy, funny - simply amazing.
High Fidelity - cool music and you, what more could a girl want?
Sure, you've had stinkers over the years.
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil? Not a great film, but not horrible .....
Pushing Tin? Well, even then I said I'd watch you in a film about watching paint dry.
No, I didn't see Serendipity or America's Sweethearts...but that was OK, I knew you needed to 'break out' a little into something more decidedly mainstream and I applauded your industry gusto - hey make more money, I'm not against that. I'm smart enough to know that you've got to make a few romantic comedies now and then and I don't hold it against you. I know that when you're in a film with Julia Roberts this is your way of sending me a secret message:
hey, Rachel - don't go see this film, just save your cash and wait til the next go-round cuz I'm just slumming here.
But Identity?
Identity?
Where was my secret message to not go see this film?
You mislead me John Cusack.
On Conan O'Brien you said it was like a Hitchcock film and then you played a deceptively interesting film clip.
And so I bit.
It was OK at first. Lots of rain, lots of shots of you looking moody. Lots of longing gazes between you and Amanda Peet.
Lots of blood - but I'm OK with that.
Then, as the story started to turn, morphing from something Hitchcock-esque into something more like a third-rate Sixth Sense, I tried to be patient. "I'll just go with it,"I said to myself. "After all, it's Saturday night - this doesn't have to be art or anything. As long as it's entertaining and makes at least a little sense."
I mean it, I was really OK with it even if it did seem fairly mediocre by your standards.
But the last two minutes of the film?
The whole evil-child thing? The glaring evil child?
The whole "whores don't get a second chance" thing?
Good lord I've never laughed so hard. And not in a good way.
John darling, that was bad even by C-list, Hollywood slasher film standards.
That was just horrible. The last two minutes of the film rendered the rest of a movie that was simply forgettable into something memorably atrocious.
Did you even get to that part of the script before you signed on to do the film?
Please tell me that you didn't. Please tell me you were just as shocked and embarrassed by its stupidity but had no legal recourse and are now in therapy to work out your impulse issues. Please restore a little bit of my faith.
If you can't do that right now, you can at least cover my losses.
It breaks down like this:
$9 x 2 for two tickets to the 9:15 showing.
$2.50 for one medium Diet Coke
$2 for one medium coffee
$2 for one chocolate chip cookie.
I'm not asking for gas money - I'm not that petty. But, I do think that when this is all said and done that we probably need some space. It's going to be a while before I can look you in the eye again.
sincerely, me